It’s not easy going back, but coming home again was nice

Sorry again for the long silences. Life has been hectic and then last week we went back to South Africa for half term.

And boy that was surreal!

It was lovely to see everyone again and nice to enjoy some sunshine (sadly, not enough: the weather was NOT on our side). But returning to our old house where my husband is still living just felt….wrong. Because it wasn’t my house anymore, nor was it my life.

For a start, none of our stuff is in the house anymore. So it felt like a shell. In some ways, it was like the early days when we first arrived – bare walls, borrowed bed clothes and crockery, none of our books or games or other distractions. But this time I knew my way around and wasn’t so worried about things like security.

zebras cropped

Luckily our zebras were still on the otherwise bare walls

Then even when I met up with friends (which was lovely), I knew I didn’t belong there anymore. So when they were making plans for the weeks ahead and I (of course) wasn’t included, it really hit me that this was no longer my life.

It was hard, but I also think it was a good thing. Because when we got on the plane to come home, apart from the obvious sadness of saying goodbye to everyone – not least, my husband – I was looking forward to getting back here. Back to my warm house, with all our stuff. Back to what has become my life. And it really made me realise how far we had come. On Monday morning there was swim training and school and picking up the dog and shopping for food and basically just getting on with things. It felt normal. It felt good.

I know we have a way to go yet, I’m not out of the woods. Things are still hard, loneliness in particular is still very real (to be expected when you have been away for two years – both me and the children need to re-make our lives and friendships here). But three months into repatriation and I am perhaps in a better place than I feared I would be.

I will always have a place for South Africa in my heart and I will definitely go back – there is still so much of the country to explore. But for now I feel better about leaving and happier about being here.

At least I would be if it were just a little bit warmer. And sunnier….

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3 thoughts on “It’s not easy going back, but coming home again was nice

  1. So interesting Clara. We’ve found exactly the same thing when we return to our old home and visit family and friends. It’s not our life anymore and doesn’t feel comfortable, bit sad sometimes.

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  2. Not having lived anywhere but here in the States, it sounds like it was kind of a good thing to go back to South Africa to make you appreciate being back ‘home.’ That had to have been a weird feeling going to your old home to find that it felt like just a house to you.

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  3. It is weird knowing life in the place you’ve left is continuing without you. We went back to the States for a holiday after we’d repatriated, but I’m quite glad we didn’t go back to DC, but somewhere else entirely. Now we’ve been back nearly eighteen months it feels like we were never away…

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